The “See It – Say It”
Six Step Process
(From MIPH “Walking the Talk” 2001)
If you have reason to believe
your teen has been drinking, or using other drugs, it
is time to have "The Talk" with your teen. Take a deep breath. This might be
one
of the hardest things you'll have to do as a parent.
First, be prepared. Practice what you want to say, and how you want to say it.
Brace yourself for any type of reaction from your teen - from denial to anger to
confrontation. Teens will sometimes try to throw their parents' history at them
to deflect attention from their own behavior. Your teen may ask questions about
what
you did when you were young. If so, it is best to be honest. If you try to
deceive
your teen and the truth comes out later, you will lose credibility. If you
drank
underage, or used drugs in the past, connect your use to negative consequences:
"I drank alcohol and smoked marijuana because I was bored and wanted to take
some risks. But I soon found out I couldn't control the risks. I lost the
trust of
my parents and my friends. There are better ways of challenging yourself than
drinking or doing drugs."
The following process may help you initiate and complete a conversation with
your
teen if you are concerned about their drinking or other substance abuse.
"I Care" -
Don't just jump in to the conversation with a list of complaints or
accusations. Let your teen know your love and concern is still uppermost in
your
mind. This can help to diffuse defensive feelings and responses.
"I
See" - Be
specific about the things you have observed that cause you concern.
Try to remain calm, unemotional and factually honest in talking about your
teen's behavior and its day to day consequences. Make it known if you have
found
evidence of alcohol use. Explain what changes you've seen in your teen's
behavior, appearance or attitude that is causing your concern. Focus on the
concerns and
why they worry you. Again, make these factual, or “I” statements vs. “you”
statements (for example: “you’ve been very disrespectful” is likely to provoke
an argument, whereas “I have not felt as much respect from you as in the past,”
is a factual statement of your perception that is less likely to provoke anger
or an argument – after all, they can’t argue about how you feel or
perceive things, except to say that their side of the story or perception is
different, which gets you much closer to where you want to be in
terms of sharing your respective points of view on the issue.)
"I
Feel" - Be
honest about how your teen's behavior makes you feel.
This will remove the sense of blame, helping you sound less judgmental. You
don't
need to make assumptions about the cause of the behavior, or diagnose anything.
You just need to be concerned. This is no easy task; your feelings may range
from anger to guilt that you have "failed" because your kid is using alcohol.
This isn't true, and by staying involved you can help your teen stop using
and make positive choices.
LISTEN -This
may be the hardest step for some parents. It requires you to be quiet and
respectfully listen to what your teen has to say. Allow plenty of time for your
child to share feelings, problems and explanations. Be prepared for a variety
of responses, including silence, tears, the disclosure of a significant problem,
anger or even hostility.
"I
Want" - Be
ready to be specific about what changes you want to see in your teen's
behavior. First, acknowledge what your teen has said and shared. Then, explain
what action steps you want to see taken. Suggest, don't demand, what you want
to see happen. If possible, allow your teen to come up with a workable
solution. Remember, often referral for professional help is the most caring
thing you can do.
"I
Will" - Be
ready to share what you will do to help your teen change and reach the new
goals. Will this include providing moral support? Arranging a meeting with
someone who can help? More listening? Make it clear that you are willing to
keep talking, and if your teen chooses to say nothing right now, the door is
open for future discussion. When discussing these next steps, you can include
setting new rules and consequences that are reasonable and enforceable. Be firm
but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument.
