It may be easiest to practice a
conversation about underage drinking with another adult before opening up
a dialogue with your teen - especially if you suspect your child is
experimenting with alcohol or other drugs. The following section
contains examples of typical problems parents bring up to their teens, and
teens' responses. Find another adult you trust and are comfortable
with to help you go through these samples until you feel confident.
If you have proof that your teen is
drinking or using other drugs, please visit the
See It - Say It Six Step
Process for more information. And remember that there are
trained professionals - prevention counselors, substance abuse counselors
and more - who can offer you more assistance as needed.
Here are some
suggested conversations for you to practice before you have the talk.
v
You’ve
got a problem and I need to talk to you about it.
v
You’ve disappointed me and broken our rules. Here’s how we’re going to
help you.
v
Do you want to tell me
what's going on?
v
What to say if your
teen says:
Get out of my face, why are you always coming down on me?
v
What to say if your
teen says:
Just leave me alone. I hate you.
v
What to say if your
teen says:
Everyone’s drinking…what’s the big deal?
You’ve
got a problem and I need to talk to you about it…
Parent: I love you and I’m concerned about you.
Teen: Huh?
P: It’s hard for me to start this conversation, because I never imagined
I’d have to and also because you might be upset with me.
T: So don’t.
P: Believe me, I’d rather not! But I have a genuine worry about you and
your alcohol use.
T: What?
P: I’m pretty sure (or very sure) you are drinking. I’m going to ask you
to come clean with me and tell me what’s going on.
T: Nothing.
P: Well, my job just got harder. I was hoping that you would be eye to eye
with me, but I see I have to get “parental.”
T: Why? You don’t have to if you don’t want. I sure
don’t want you to.
P: I have to because it is my job to make sure you are safe. Your drinking
puts you at risk.
T: For what?
P: For being in dangerous situations like driving a car, for having a
lifetime substance abuse problem, not to mention that it is illegal.
T: So what?
P: You may remember that we have a “no drugs or underage alcohol” policy
in this family.
T: (silence)
P: You have broken our policy, and so there are consequences.
T: Like what?
P: We are rolling back your social life until we can be sure you are no
longer using.
T: That is so stupid. You can’t.
P: We can and we will. That’s our responsibility: to make sure you are
healthy and strong. We don’t believe you can be your best if you drink
alcohol, so we are going to help you to stay away from it until we are
sure you can help yourself.
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You’ve disappointed me and broken our rules. Here’s how we’re going to
help you.
Parent: We are so disappointed in you, we hardly know
what to say.
Teen: What are you talking about.
P: You have been drinking.
T: No I haven’t.
P: We know you have. And there have been a number of times in the past
couple of weeks, when we’ve noticed something is terribly wrong. Now we
know what it is.
T: What are you talking about?
P: We don’t know how long this has been going on, but it must stop now,
because we feel we are losing you. You have had a total personality change
- you don’t seem to care about anything anymore…school work, your job, our
family, even keeping yourself clean! We know you are supposed to be
growing and changing. But there is a difference between healthy and
unhealthy change. The changes we see are very unhealthy and we’re going to
help you get them under control so they don’t destroy your life and your
future.
T: I don’t care about my future.
P: That is clear to us, and one of the reasons we are so disappointed.
Remember when you did …(use a positive example of behavior from the past)?
T: That was when I was a baby.
P: But you had something: a purpose… (or a talent, a special ability, a
quality) which has gotten clouded over by your substance use. And you
certainly won’t be able to develop your potential in such a clouded state.
We still believe in you. So we’re going to help you bring that gift you
still have back into focus. The first step will be to give up drinking.
Our rules and consequences are going to be very firm, because you have
broken them. But in the long run, the rules are going to help you get back
to being yourself. And you are going to be so proud of yourself! You will
be proud of two things: for bringing back your special abilities and for
beating the alcohol dependency.
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Do you want to tell me
what’s going on?
Parent: I’m sensing that something really serious is
going on in your life. Can you tell me what is happening to you?
Teen: I don’t know.
P: That’s not like you to not know. With the events of the past couple of
weeks/ months I know that something is different, could you tell me about
it?
T: No.
P: There have been so many changes. Do you see the changes in yourself?
T: Yeah.
P: I’m scared about the changes I see. Why do you think they are
happening?
(At this point, if the teen says he/she is scared or even a little
worried, consider this a major victory! The next step would be either 1.
Make a pact with your teen that he/she will follow the rules and that you
will help by being vigilant about rules and consequences, or 2. Set up a
meeting for treatment and/or counseling so that you both can get help
about your concerns.)
T: I’m not worried, that’s so
lame.
P: I guess I’m going to worry for both of us right now. Do you know that I
love you?
T: I don’t care.
P: Well, part of my worry is that I am responsible for you, part is my
instinct to protect you and part is just that I care so very much for you.
T: So what.
P: So, that makes it very important for me to set up rules and situations
so that you will be protected and cared for. But I feel like I’m going to
need help to do this, because my protection hasn’t worked too well so far.
I’m going to suggest that we go to a treatment center where they help
families deal with these problems.
T: I’m not having a problem.
P: Well, our family is having a problem with you. And you are
having a problem following our rules.
T: Maybe I should just leave the family.
P: No way! We love you and need you to be part of us…We just want every
member to be healthy.
T: (Storms away)
P: (In non-threatening tone) I’ll let you know the date of our first
meeting.
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In the following
examples, the teen is upset. As a parent, you will probably feel provoked
by your son or daughter’s response. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT for you as a
parent NOT to get hooked into the feeling, and not to get upset. IT IS
VERY IMPORTANT for you to stay calm and on task. One way not to get upset
is to take a deep breath and relax yourself, another way is to imagine you
are dealing with them as you did when they were an infant: you tolerate
their crying, but maintained your cool. Do what you need to do to stay
calm.
What to say if your teen says: "Get out of my face, why are you always
coming down on me?"
“Wow, you are right. This shouldn’t be
a fight at all. I intend to come down on your drinking habit, but I don’t
intend to attack you personally. Let me start over again and get us
started on the right track.”
“This parenting stuff is so hard! You are scaring the
heck out of me and it’s making me feel like I want to challenge you. I
wish we could work together on this problem - would you be willing to work
with me?”
“I feel that your alcohol use is so dangerous that I
have to come down hard. I will let up as I see you gain some control over
it yourself. Maybe we could figure out together what signs would show that
you are handling this really serious problem.”
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What to say if your teen says: "Just leave me alone. I hate you."
“It sounds like you are really angry at me. But I can’t leave you alone,
even if it makes you angry. Believe me, it is painful to me that you hate
me. However, I have a responsibility to you and for your safety.”
“When this is over, I’m pretty sure you will love me
once again. But even if you don’t, I would never be able to forgive myself
if I left you alone right now. Alcohol and drug problems require all the
muscle you can give to beat them. I’ll be right here to help you.”
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What to say if your teen says: "Everyone’s drinking…what’s the big deal?"
“First of all, not everyone is doing it.
However, honestly, even if everyone were, I’d still wouldn’t want you to
do it. Would you like me to list the reasons why?
1) It’s illegal and the legal consequences are quite serious.
2) “It’s dangerous and here are the physical consequences: getting into
dangerous sexual situations, getting into a vehicle under the influence,
falling, otherwise injuring yourself or others, physical limitations from
being hung over or foggy, problems with healthy brain development.”
3) ”It’s dangerous and here are the psychological consequences: You could
be using alcohol to avoid your anxiety or a depression, which masks but
doesn’t solve the problem. You certainly lose sight of your long-term
goals, your priorities get scrambled, your brain chemicals shift because
of the alcohol. Alcohol use is known to work on the brain chemicals
as a depressant. Not to mention it makes people act stupid.”
4) “We have family members/ or I remember a friend from high school/ who
lost their entire life and everything that was important to them: family,
spouses, kids, jobs, self-respect, you name it to substance abuse. You
might not have a problem that serious, but there is no way of knowing
whether you will or not and it is so much easier not to put it to the
test.”
5) “I like life better without being foggy. It is so much more
interesting, more vibrant, more moving without alcohol or drugs. I want
you to have that experience.”
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Sample Conversations adapted from
Parents: The Anti-Drug
